Technology

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THE END
July 16, 2014
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July 16, 2014
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Technology

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Crank up the 1080p on that iPod and let’s get high tech, muthaf#cka!

Why is it that whenever my friends start discussing the latest phone or gadget,

I suddenly turn into Eric Cartman?

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“Aww, sweet you guys! That’s so cool!”

Truth be told, 95% of the time, I have no idea what the hell they’re talkin’ about. As a self-proclaimed “Poor-Man’s-Geek”, I rock a tube TV, don’t own an MP3 player, my DVD player is on loan, and my console is a Sega Genesis. Yes, I know. I’m a disgrace to my culture.
After test driving my 2012 Ford Fiesta, I desperately felt around the dashboard for a CD player. The salesman seemed excited to tell me that it came with an outlet for my MP3 player and/or phone. He looked taken aback by my reply: “Uh that didn’t answer my question, dude.”

Remember the good old days? 

OK. It’s 2003 and you’re goin’ out with your friends this weekend. Well, obviously, your weekend needs a soundtrack. So whatever your plans are for Thursday night, you best go ahead and cancel. ‘Cause you’re gonna spend the night with your honey, Limewire! Yep, you’re gonna grab a Slurpee, some snacks, settle in, and burn, baby, burn!

I know you’re reminiscing right now.

So, don’t gimme that look.

Would you believe I worked for Best Buy at one time? Yep! Media! I mean, I didn’t know much about the iPhone, but I did know that “The Hill Have Eyes” was some scary shit! I was hired in‘05. Ah yes, the year of the XBOX 360. Of course, customers would ask me all sorts of things about its graphics. My genius selling line was, “The demo is playing over there. Doesn’t it look awesome? “

Oh (and for the record) if the system showed we didn’t have a particular item in stock, it meant we didn’t have it. Like, at all. Period. So, stop thinking the employees are lying or don’t know what they’re talking about. We do, however, go to the back and just stand there when we “double check” for your peace of mind. I think sometimes people honestly thought I was holding the last copy of the new Los Lobos CD hostage.

Now, if you techies aren’t in tears by now, just wait till you read this:

I have the new Flex LG phone.

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Yes, the phone of the future that goes for around $600.

I’m not gonna to pretend I know everything it does, but I do know this: It’s huge! When I walked into Sprint, the salesman asked me if I liked a big phone. That’s all it took to sell to this chick with man hands and a Bruce Campbell jawline. It’s got a 6 inch screen and it’s curved so it hugs your butt when sliding it into your back pocket. It also repairs itself when it gets scratched. Maybe it turns to liquid then molds back into its original form. I mean, I don’t know. So long as it doesn’t morph into an aviator wearin’ motorcycle cop, we’re good. I mean, with features like that, it’s definitely a further step in the Skynet direction.

So, while you’re watchin’ your fancy blue-ray on your spiffy 42 inch plasma, I’ll be beating drug dealers to death in the alley with my big-ass phone! Ya know, givin’ back to the community!

Fight the machine.

-Kasey Pierce

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Kosmic Kasey
Kosmic Kasey
Kasey Pierce is a sci-fi/horror author from the Metro Detroit area. Her latest work is sci-fi comic series, "Norah". (Source Point Press) Other credits include horror anthology, "Pieces of Madness". Also forewords and epilogues for author/illustrator, Joshua Werner and Marvel illustrator, Jay Fosgitt. social media: facebook.com/kosmickasey, Twitter:@kosmickasey, and Instagram:@kcdwrites.

1 Comment

  1. Scott says:

    That one still cracks me up…btw, I have fix it Felix for the genesis, wanna play?

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